Reasons Why I Teach #36 - Email Brought Tears To My Eyes

Here's an email I received from one of my graduates that I passed for the grace of God. Sometimes you just have to know your students and what they are capable of. I included my response back to her as well. I was so overcome, saddened, overjoyed, and proud of how far this young lady had come when in the eyes of most, she wasn't making progress at all. See why...

Hey Ms.E
I never really got the chance to thank you for everything you did. It might not have seemed like much but just listening and caring to what I had to say meant more then I can ever tell you. You helped me see in a side of me I had forgot was even there for so long, a side of me that the depression and self harm had buried and destroyed years ago. I still have a LONG way to go before I'm even close to getting any better but in a way I can't explain, you helped me see that there is hope and it is possible to be happy again. You helped me realize my words needs to heard because they do nothing but destroy me if I keep them inside.
The reason I keep a lot of things unsaid is because no one ever really cared what I had to say and judged me for it. Not many people understand depression and serious cases like mine get over looked because people just think it's for attention or just a phase. Like when "Emo" was said as an emotion and the action was cutting. I can't even tell you how many times I was called emo in the class or jokes about me being depressed or suicidal. The world is full of judgement people who don't understand how Much pain you have to be in to put that blade to your wrist or even think about suicide. The Comments and jokes really got to me which is why I finally just shut myself out away from everyone at the end. I just couldn't take it.
Sorry, I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. I just wanted to say thank you. What you wrote in my year book actually made me cry when I read it. You are an amazing teacher and I wish I had you freshmen year. It would of definitely changed my high school experience completely and me.
Hope you have a wonderful summer and hopefully see you soon.(:
Love, Student

Dear student,

You are the reason why I wanted to teach! Your words just brought tears to my eyes. I wish too that I had you as a freshman or on my caseload. I also wish you told me about the comments in class. I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't catch them. I, too, suffer from depression and am currently on medication to improve myself, but I try extremely hard not to let my students or my children see my pain. That's why I kept telling you to trust me that I understood what you were dealing with.

I hope our year together will help you keep your voice no matter what. And please please believe me when I say that if you need to talk, I am here for you. Ok?

Love,

Ms.E

Back to Work Blues

I know, I know, I know! As a teacher, I don't get any sympathy when I complain that I have to go back to work after having 10 days off for Spring Break.

The first part of my break was wrecked by my overwhelming sadness. Therapy just confirmed that I am depressed. The rain ruined most of the free outdoor activities I had planned for the kiddies. Then all the family stuff got crammed into the past 3 days, so I didn't feel worse about crying in bed for the first 3 days of break.

Sigh.

The minute we walked back into the house from our day trip to the Intrepid, this sense of dread and sadness washed back over me. I literally sat on hubby's lap and had myself a quick cry. I have so much stuff to do the minute I walk into work tomorrow, it's making me nauseas:

• Proposal for assistance and support with my program
• Get tickets and program printed for my open mic show (annual event that I award a scholarship for)
• Report Card grades
• Practice, practice, practice for the show
• Prep for our next program trip
• Figure out what the hell I'm going to teach for the next 6 weeks
• sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh

Lord, I am grateful for having a job. I'm just so overwhelmed with it.

Depression?

Many, many, many years ago before I even had Maddy, I was diagnosed with clinical/medical depression. I spent some time in a hospital and even more time in several different therapists offices. I was medicated and tested often.

When I had Maddy, I found out that after years of dealing with this "sadness" I actually had Hashimoto's Disease (underactive thyroid) and it was the cause of everything from weight gain and hair loss to depression. I was put on thyroid medication for another several years.

Then after I had Link, my thyroid tested normal and I was taken off of my thyroid medication. I have been tested 3 times since Link's birth as recent as a few weeks ago, and my thyroid is normal.

I say all of this because I have been suffering from these horrible "bouts of depression". They last for about 3-5 days. They come out of no where and knock me off my feet. Nothing cheers me up. Not Link, Not Maddy, Not hubby. I go to work with this fake smile plastered on my face, but the minute I get a chance to close any door, whether office or bathroom stall, I'm a weeping mess.

Then after sapping me dry I'm fine again until something small, even insignificant, throws me back down this tunnel of darkness. I've spent the past 3 days of my vacation either sobbing hysterically or balled up in the fetal position in bed. Link keeps asking me if "mommy's sad" which just makes me cry harder. Maddy is trying really hard to keep him entertained. But really no one knows what to make of me...neither do I.

I don't know if this is hormonal and connects to my period, I don't know if maybe I really was and am still clinically depressed, I don't know if being off BCPs and thyroid medicine has thrown my hormones into a downward spiral, I don't if it's just the stress of all the politics at work coupled with my motherly and wifely duties getting the best of me. I have no idea. But I can't keep doing this.

I'm going to a new therapist today and hopefully I will have some answers. Anyone else ever deal with this kind of thing?

Guidance Office Woes

When you work in the guidance department of any educational facility you know that there will be times where your patience is tested, your quick thinking is required, your time management is obliterated, and your heart is fit to bursting.

This being the first week back to school, I'm surprised that there aren't the usual caseloads of drama. There were a few sad stories in the bunch but nothing too serious until Tuesday. We're always looking for monitors to help us in our offices and were happy on Monday to get this cute little freshman girl to help us out during 8th period. She's about 4 feet tall with braces and looked as if she'd been severely burned as a child, but just too cute for words, nonetheless.

My counselor and I cover one half of the 10th graders (573 students and counting). On Tuesday she asked us to introduce her to her freshman counselor and we did.

I come in on Wednesday and my counselor says, "Wait til you hear what's going on with our little chocolate chip". (Nickname the counselor gave her because she's self-conscience about all of her moles). Well, I was not prepared for this:

Our little chocolate chip lives with her mother a few blocks from school, her parents were divorced and she spends her summers with her dad in California. Turns out the father suffered from severe depression and with no other relatives besides her dad, she went for her visit as usual this summer. Her father chose this time to go off of his medication and while she was at home with him, he got into his car in the garage, dosed himself in gasoline and lit himself on fire. This sweet little girl, all alone in another state, had to watch her father burn himself to death.

This is how I found out that she hadn't been burned but has that unusual birth marking (forgot what it's called). I was speechless. I could not even begin to imagine what this girl must be going through. Today she came in as her usual peppy self to help us out but first sat down and whispered, "I just wanted to let you guys know that my dad is dead, but I don't want to talk about it just yet." We explained that we understood and would be there for her when she was ready to talk, both of us trying not to get emotional.

I suffered from clinical depression for years before finding out it was my thyroid that was causing the problem. I know what that pain, anxiety, and desolation feels like but...but I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that her father had to do it right then and right there with his 13 year old daughter watching helplessly. I just...the pain of depression is unbearable, but for me when others were hurting because of me it only made me want to fix it, fix me! I know everyone's pain is different, but my God, to leave your child to physically bear witness to it for the rest of her life? I just don't know...