Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Many, many, many years ago before I even had Maddy, I was diagnosed with clinical/medical depression. I spent some time in a hospital and even more time in several different therapists offices. I was medicated and tested often.

When I had Maddy, I found out that after years of dealing with this "sadness" I actually had Hashimoto's Disease (underactive thyroid) and it was the cause of everything from weight gain and hair loss to depression. I was put on thyroid medication for another several years.

Then after I had Link, my thyroid tested normal and I was taken off of my thyroid medication. I have been tested 3 times since Link's birth as recent as a few weeks ago, and my thyroid is normal.

I say all of this because I have been suffering from these horrible "bouts of depression". They last for about 3-5 days. They come out of no where and knock me off my feet. Nothing cheers me up. Not Link, Not Maddy, Not hubby. I go to work with this fake smile plastered on my face, but the minute I get a chance to close any door, whether office or bathroom stall, I'm a weeping mess.

Then after sapping me dry I'm fine again until something small, even insignificant, throws me back down this tunnel of darkness. I've spent the past 3 days of my vacation either sobbing hysterically or balled up in the fetal position in bed. Link keeps asking me if "mommy's sad" which just makes me cry harder. Maddy is trying really hard to keep him entertained. But really no one knows what to make of me...neither do I.

I don't know if this is hormonal and connects to my period, I don't know if maybe I really was and am still clinically depressed, I don't know if being off BCPs and thyroid medicine has thrown my hormones into a downward spiral, I don't if it's just the stress of all the politics at work coupled with my motherly and wifely duties getting the best of me. I have no idea. But I can't keep doing this.

I'm going to a new therapist today and hopefully I will have some answers. Anyone else ever deal with this kind of thing?


The Hip-Hop Dad said...

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid

Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in thee.

1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your cares upon him; for He careth for you.

Just want to encourage you and let you know that surely there is a Peace that passes all understanding.

MrsTDJ said...

Sorry that you are going through this. I have not. I am a big advocate for therapy. I hope that it brings you the relief that you need.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to come by and wish you love and light. I think it's a great thing you're seeking answers and not just accepting things as they are?

Chocolate Mom aka Blupoetres said...

Thank you all for such kind words of encouragement.

cuzzo said...

Wow cuzzo....Hope things better real soon.....sounds like you need a vacation. There are times that we are mothers/parents/spouse feel overwhelmed and need a break. Not just an hour but a weekend to relax. Keep the faith and remember my all time story is "Footprints".....the Lord replied "my precious precious child at the times when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you....." lay your head on his shoulder while he carries you through this storm....

Chocolate Mom aka Blupoetres said...

@Cuz - today definitely helped raise my spirits!